Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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