Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
