He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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