remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
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You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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