its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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