Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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