Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
