I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
