Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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