No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
