Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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