today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
