I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
