You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
