Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
