Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
