you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
