Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
