dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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