I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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