How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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