I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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