I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
