ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
