I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
