I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
