Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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