Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
