did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
