Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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