new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
