If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I am full of burrito and curiosity
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
