i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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