So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
