why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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