I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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