Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
