I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
