She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
