I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
