Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
