so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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