morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
