My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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