I just pynch a tree in the face
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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