barbara walters just said penis...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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