Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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