Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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