were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
