you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
