Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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