Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
