Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
