Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
