Someone shit on the floor
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im six kinds of drunk right now
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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