Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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