I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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