I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
