: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
